Holiday Spirit

Here we go again.  It's totally the time of year that makes me happy, crazy, angry and sentimental all at the same time.  Christmas. Ah yes.  Buy as much stuff as you possibly can, and hope that people think you've got it all.  I always get sucked in, no matter how hard I try.  The thing is, Mike and I are generally frugal people.  We certainly don't spend a lot on each other throughout the year.  So we kind of go crazy.  It's our splurge season.  The problem is, now that we have a 4 year old, we have to teach the MEANING of Christmas- which really is a lovely thing.  Not the religious meaning, necessarily, but the Spirit of Christmas.  A Spirit that should be in everyone all year round, really. We all get so caught up in thinking we are all so damn important that we rarely spend the time to think of others, and their needs. I want to Pay It Forward this season- and I have a plan.

Tomorrow, I am going to pay for the person behind me at Dunkin, and perhaps the person behind them, depending on the order size. Probably about 10 bucks.  Nothing crazy.  But I am so excited- I can imagine how I'd feel if I pulled up to the window and somebody had paid for me. It wouldn't be the money I saved, it would be the fact that someone in the world did it for a stranger.  I would feel like doing something nice for someone else- and I hope that is what happens.

Sigh.  I left the blog post and have no idea where I was headed.  Trying to do too many things at once.  Ordering our Family Photos, working on Christmas cards...checking Facebook, my email, Bloodhorse.com, and browsing Amazon.

We got our Christmas tree today from a farm right here in Leicester.  Huge place, with a ton of trees- I'm happy to say we definitely have started a new tradition.  I love, love, love spending money locally, and I have so many fond memories of cutting fresh trees with my Dad when I was little.  Jacob was a little less enthusiastic, but that fits into my memories as well.  LOL.  He'll appreciate it when he's older, dammit.

Have the kids Christmas party coming up next weekend, then SVH party the following.  Mike's work elected not to do one this year, so no dressing up for me! Wahhhhh.  I lose 40 pounds, and don't even get to show it off.  Guess I'll have to get that last 10-15 off and show up in Florida this spring.

That's all for now.  I'm exhausted after a day of loading and stacking firewood with Mike, Becky and my Mom.

Marching On

Since my last post, things have been going relatively well, I am pleased to announce.  Jacob really seems to be settling in to his new 3 day a week class, and I am not getting reports of high levels of physicality any more. The bus is still an issue, but that is understandable.  We have our first parent teacher conference at the end of the month, and I am looking forward to hearing his teacher's input in person.  We actually haven't met with his new teacher yet, so it will be nice to chat with her.

On my end, weight loss has stalled.  I spoke with my trainer last night, and we made a new plan.  It was what I knew I needed to do, but for whatever reason, talking to her about it will increase my resolve :)  I'm back to boxing on Tuesday nights, after a brief foray into AMP.  I wish I could do 3 classes a week, but right now,it's not feasible monetarily or time wise. I've been thinking a lot about goals.  One that keeps popping into my head is training to compete in a "figure"competition.  I don't know if I have the time or mental fortitude to do it, but it's in the back of my head for sure.  That the idea even kicks around is amazing in and of itself!

Election Day was yesterday.  As I got out of the car with Jacob to vote and saw all the people around us doing the same, tears welled in my eyes.  I am always moved when I see our country taking action.  I wish we would all stay as active as we do on Election Day, and stay involved and invested in what is going on.  The results are not what I wanted, but it's hard to say that, since neither candidate offered what I feel this country needs.  This year felt like the biggest "lesser of 2 evils".  I do worry about the future of this country. There are a lot of fundamental things we need to change- the way our politicians "work" for us being one of the most important. I'm sick of people who supposedly work for us not having to abide by the rules they deem appropriate for us.  Ugh.  I'll stop. I want to enjoy my day, not send myself into a tizzy.

Mike is well- back in school for the semester, and I think doing well.  I don't know if he knows how to do it any other way.  We're almost done with upstairs so we can close out our permit.  Then we get to pay more taxes....yay....

My mom is still here. I think she is looking into subsidized housing, so Obama's win may end up being advantageous to us yet.

Confused

Well.  We've been busy here the past couple months.  Jacob started pre-school, and it has been one disaster after the next.  His first week was relatively uneventful, and then suddenly, he started hitting other children.  I honestly thought it would be a quick little blip on the radar- he's never really been a hitter....but it just kept coming.  I was talking with the teacher, the school psychologist, and the bus driver.  He got an incident report on the bus because he slammed some kid into the window.  He picked up a chair and threw it across his school room.  We finally decided to change him to 3 days a week from 12:30 to 3 and see if we couldn't ease him into it a bit gentler.

The first 2 classes he was GREAT.  The bus was still an issue.  Today, we got a Good report, but a note about him pushing somebody's lunch box over on purpose, and he hit a child again on the bus. I can't help but to feel like things are just going to get worse from here.  Everyone keeps saying, oh, he's just a boy, he'll grow out of it...But nobody else's kids are pushing/shoving and hitting at school.

He's always been what Mike and I have deemed "strong willed".  He reacts strongly to situations he doesn't agree with, and has since the time he was born.  In fact, the pediatrician that examined him in the hospital when he was 12 hours old commented "Boy, you guys have a strong willed little guy her" (thanks, universe).  But this Jacob I hear about from school is quite a bit more than strong willed.  I start to wonder if I've been down playing his behavior.  I start to wonder if he has a serious problem.  And then I start to wonder what I am doing wrong.

I go to an ugly place in my mind.  One that was created when we were struggling to conceive Jacob.  Over the three years, I often thought that the "universe" was trying to tell me I didn't deserve/need a child.  That I couldn't get pregnant for a reason.  That I'd be a bad mom.  That something would be wrong with my child.  And now, those thoughts creep back into my head.  That this a punishment for going forward with something that was never meant to be.  This is what I get for forcing nature's hand. I realize how dramatic and selfish it sounds.  I'm not that important, I know.  But it's how I feel sometimes.  And it sucks.

I've been reading ALOT of books.  The one that is really resonating with me now is called "The Explosive Child".  Although Jacob doesn't quite fit the entire bill, it has some great coping mechanisms for me to use when he is unable to do so for himself.  It reminds me that children WANT to do well, and will do so if they are able.  It points out that he is probably lacking several emotional skills necessary to do as well as he's like to.  Whether this is a product of him just being 4, or if it's something more ingrained remains to be seen.  So I am trying to help him as best I can.  The truth is, I am an explosive person myself, prone to tantrums and temper flares when cornered.  I joke that a demon lives in my belly...when I get very angry, I can feel the heat spread from my stomach into my arms and legs and I tingle...and then I'm a goner, and so is whomever I am angry with.  Mike is no picnic when he's angry either.  So our kid kind of has the odds stacked against him.

The difference is that we are adults, and have learned to cope with it for the most part.  Ironically, the person that helped me learn how to deal with my anger is Jacob.  When he was born, I realized I needed to get a hold of myself.  He taught me.  I only hope I can teach him.

As a parent, you just want your child to be loved by everyone else as much as you love them.  You want the whole world to realize how amazing and special they are.  You never want another child to say something mean to them, or make them feel bad.  So it sucks on 2 levels for me, because now MY child is one of the kids that is doing things that hurt others feelings as well.

Enough whining and crying for now.  I'll be back in another 2 months to update.

Four years!

Jacob had his 4th birthday on July 24.  At times, it's hard to imagine he's only been with us for 4 years, and at others, it feels like a blink of an eye.  It becomes harder and harder to remember life before him.  What on earth did we do all day?  I remember thinking we were busy, or had no time...and now I wonder how that was possible!  LOL.

We went to Becky's to do a joint party with the twins, who were turning one.  It was a whirlwind day- bounce house and pool time were the highlights.  Everyone was super generous, and he got some wonderful toys and books.

Summer is just trucking on, and before we know it, will be over.  We are headed to Philadelphia this weekend to visit with Aunt Judy at her bed and breakfast.  We'll be taking a train for the first time with Jacob, and I am super excited about it.  Not having to drive through New York is worth it in and of itself!

Jacob starts school on September 4th.  My work schedule looks lie it can't change, so 3 days out of the week he'll be going to before and after care in addition to school.  It makes me sad, and after doing the math, it is financially ridiculous as well.  I'll be bringing home a net of 150 bucks per month after all the charges.  Seriously.  So, it looks like I need to start the search for a new job.  If I am going to work, I need to work for a reason.

Better late than never?

Yeah.  So turns out it's been 3 months since my last post.  I've been busy, what can I say?  Between working out, logging food, vacation, and everything else summer has brought so far, I haven't had a chance to sit and write.  No. I haven't made it a priority.

I completed my first 12 week bootcamp down just about 14 pounds, and signed up again to finish the summer.  Since January 1, when I decided to make healthier choices, I am down 30 pounds.  I feel great, but would like to lose 10 to 15 pounds more.  Mike has been so supportive during my journey, and just recently, he signed up for boxing with me!  My mom is still with us, so we decided to just take advantage of the "good" that she can offer for now.

Jacob is turning FOUR next Tuesday.  We will be having a joint party with Becky's twins, who are turning one.  I have no idea what to get him, since all he wants is a dumptruck his size that he can drive...or an excavator that works, that he can drive.  Seriously.  Mike and I are going to make him a dumptruck cake- will be sure to post some pictures once we get it done.

Vacation in OOB was splendid.  I think we might try and do it every year, or at least every other year.  We had so much fun with my Dad, and my sister ended up staying at the house with us.  She watched Jacob a couple nights so we could meander around town together and hold hands. ;p

We just booked a train trip to Philly in August to visit with Mike's Aunty Judy.  We haven't told Jacob about it, and I think he is going to be SO excited.  It's about 4 or 5 hours, and only about 100 bucks more than it would cost in gas, so we figured we'd just go for it.

As usual when I have so much time to cover, I feel overwhelmed and can't do it all.  Hope everyones summer is going great, and I will try to be better about posting more frequently.

Come back, Spring!

I can't believe it's basically May.  The warm weather that tempts us for a week at a time during February, then March and again in April is gone again.  Had to cover all the plants- below freezing last night, and back down again tonight.  Temps in the upper 50's, but windy, during the day.  The saving grace is the sun actually feels warm now, so if you hold very still, behind a tree, it almost feels like spring again.

Mike has been crazy busy with school recently.  His last day of class this semester is Tuesday, and I know he cannot wait to get it over with.  I think he's going to take the summer off, and we are going to try and bang through some long standing projects we've had hanging over our heads for awhile.  Summer is looking up, but I know it's going to fly by so fast.  We have family moving closer, and Mike's best buddy just moved about 6 minutes from our house...and he has a pool! LOL.  

Still totally loving my workout classes.  My last weigh in was a bust.  Somehow I managed to gain 1.8 pounds on a low carb diet.  Super neat.  I think that I was eating WAY too little, so I kind of shut myself down a bit.  Thats what I am hoping for anyways.  My next weigh in is on Monday- hopefully back down.  It kind of sucks to be cutting so many things out of my diet that I love, and not get immediate gratification...The good news is that I saw an acquaintance today I haven't seen in a couple months, and the first thing she said was"Alicia, you look amazing, you lost so much weight!".  Honestly, that is the first person to compliment me- and I'm almost 20 pounds down from the start of the year.  Jesus, what's a girl gotta do to get compliments in this day and age?

Finally sent in Jacob's pre-k paperwork.  Should be receiving some more info on orientation, and testing, and all that jazz sometime soon.  Still cannot believe he'll be going to real school.  Speaking of the little man, he was croupy again Monday morning around 2 am.  If he hadn't stayed calm, I'm pretty sure I would have brought him to the ER again- but I think he's getting old hat at this.  We went outside, which helped so much more than the shower, and I bundled him up in his bed and opened the window for him to sleep.  As I was leaving his room he said "thanks for taking such good care of me, momma".  Adorable.  God, I love that kid!!

My mom is still here, and still wreaking havoc on Mike's brain.  We are trying to sell her truck for her, so she doesn't have to pay so much for gas.  She has one client a day that she does Home Health Aid for, but otherwise, nothing going on with a job.  Me, Mike and my Dad are meeting this coming weekend to devise a plan of exit.  My Dad has been pretty much supporting her while she's been here, so the burden on us is as little as possible. It's just a giant mess.

SPRING!!!

Yay! Spring is here!!! For reals this time.  We've got buds on the trees, and flowers on the ground.  I literally get tears of joy when buds pop in the spring.  I really think I get Seasonal Affective Disorder or something- I can't explain the light that seems to ignite again in me when Spring rolls around. It's kind of crazy.

Lets see.  We've been plugging along- Mike has been crazy busy with school and work, and I have been busy with my boxing and bootcamp class.  This weekend we are meeting up with some friends to help cut wood- (yes, in New England, every season is wood cutting season).  We have a bunch of projects here at home we need to get finished up too.  I've been putting stuff aside for the Yard Sale we desperately need to have ASAP.   We were drafting plans for a chicken coop, and were going to get 6 chickens, but then I looked into the town bylaws, and it's totally ridiculous the hoops you have to jump through in order to get them.  On 7 acres of land, no less.  Government and I...we don't see eye to eye on very many things...

My fitness classes are going well.  They are brutal at the time, but it feels so good after they are done.  I'm trying to do 2 runs a week, and 2 classes a week.  Last week was the first week of bootcamp, where we try to follow a relatively strict eating module.  I turned in my nutrition sheets for the week (we have to log everything we eat), and my trainer actually called me out in class, saying she had never seen anything like my sheet before. In a bad way, LOL.  I had sugar on there, and a piece of candy every day, and the occasional small coffee from Dunkin.  She is awesome, so was just giving me a hard time, but I got her point.  I told her I was a sugar FREAK, and if she had any idea how much I had cut back on sugar, she'd actually be proud of me.  In any case, I lost 5 pounds last week.  Which is awesome.  This week I have really been trying to not eat sugar, so we'll see how next Monday goes.  All in all, since I decided to eat healthier in January, I am down 18 pounds :)

Jacob has grown out of all his clothes again- right now I am buying size 6 boys, and just bought size 1 sandals for him to wear this summer.  He still currently fits a 13, but I know that's short lived.  Kid chews through shoes like it's nobody's business.  He was super excited about chickens...we haven't told him chances are good that we won't be getting any this year.  :(

Thats all for now.  Supposed to be 75 and sunny today, and I'm thinking of bringing him to Davis's Farmland, which is a big petting farm type place near here.  They have a bunch of babies now, and maybe he can get his chicken fix...

Been Busy

Man, I fell off the updating wagon.  Seems like there is a lot to cover, so I will either blab on and on, or get overwhelmed and cut it short.

Last week we experienced crazy unseasonal weather- it was between 70 and 80 all week long.  It was AWESOME.  We played outside all day and had a total blast.  It reminded me of what a good mom I could be, lol.  I have no qualms with admitting the quality of my play returns once winter breaks.  I dislike snow, but I hate cold and wind even more.  It was so nice to go outside and want to run around and play pretend with Jacob.

So of course, we are back to "normal" this week- which means highs of 40-50 or so.  Pretty chilly after 80, no doubt- but we all know it's coming back.  I think by this weekend we are back to mid 50's, which is completely acceptable.

Oh yeah- my 5k went well.  I finished in the fastest time post- Jacob!  29:15, so my goal of breaking the 30 minute mark has been realized.  It was an "easy" course, so I am not sure if the rest of my 5k's this year will also be sub 30, but it was exciting nonetheless.  We stayed and watched the St. Patty's day parade, which was terrible, quite honestly!  Not nearly enough action, and the floats were a sight for sore eyes.  Ah well, we can cross that off our list.

Jacob won the lottery into 5 day, full day, public pre-school....Totally bittersweet.  I freaked out when I got the papers, "isn't he too little for 5 days of school?"  I cried plaintively to Mike.  I talked to his current daycare teachers, and they all think it will be great for him, and that he is going to love it.  My boss's children attended the same school 5 days and did great as well.  I plan on emailing the coordinator and asking if it's okay to keep him home on Fridays every now and then so we can still have a day together.  They even have school bus service!!! I am so sad, and really can't believe he's starting school. My little baby.

Speaking of little babies, Mike and I have one embryo left in storage.  So strange to say, even now.  It's 85 bucks a month...and we discussed discontinuing storage the other day.  A big first for us.  We didn't decide, but it's on the table.  It feels weird to be moving toward a breakup with infertility procedures.  I still struggle internally, particularly when I see beautiful pictures of larger families. It's just so much to take on, the biggest being the time mentally and physically it takes away from Jacob.  I told Mike I was pretty sure we'd have another child someday...but it would be a total surprise when I was 40, or something crazy like that.  I really feel strongly that something like that is going to happen- almost a certainty.

I can't get into my Mom update.  Too much for right now.  It's the same, and worse all at once.

Mike and I got a surprise day off tomorrow together.  Jacob will be at daycare, so we are going to head out and see The Hunger Games, and then sort our baby stuff and get ready for a mega yard sale that we need to have sometime VERY soon.  We also need to finalize some summer vacation plans, or we aren't going to have one.  Hard to believe how booked beaches are already.  I guess most people plan better than me!

Thats all for now.  Time to wake up the big man and see if his bed is dry- he's been about 70 percent dry since my last post.

Weekend Update

Well, me and Jacob are flying solo again this weekend.  Mike left to help his brother out this weekend- he severed a tendon in his thumb and shouldn't be doing any work in the garage, so Mike went up to try and get some of the work done for him.  If I know Shaye at all though (and I do), he'll have his cast modified in some way shape or form, and be doing work right alongside Mike.  Sigh.  Those boys...honestly.

I have my first 5k this year on Sunday.  My Dad is coming down from Maine, and I convinced Becky to join me as well, so it should be fun.  I took a quick spin on the treadmill last night to see how my leg and hip were feeling and it's not that promising :(  I know I'll be able to run it, but probably not my fastest time.  Oh well.  My mom will have to come with us as well, to watch Jacob, since my usual fan club (mike) is missing.

I am still sore from Tuesday's boxing class.  Mostly my chest, shoulders, and abs.  She had us doing some intense stuff, but it was really fun.  They are running an Ultimate Body Challenge- basically a biggest loser contest that includes nutritional counseling and another class per week starting in April.  I talked to Mike about it, and he's totally supportive of me doing it, so I am signing up next week before I chicken out.  Pretty sure that means I am going to be crippled for the entire month of April, and my running is going to suffer, but I think in the long run (haha), it's what I need to be a better, healthier runner. The less weight I have pounding my joints, the better.

My favorite horse ever had her baby yesterday and he is gorgeous.  I actually cried looking through the pictures.  It's a pretty amazing thing, the hold this horse has on so many fans- horse racing fans, horse lovers, and even people who don't follow racing love Zenyatta.  There is something beautiful about her, and her connections.  If you've never watched her race before, might I suggest youtubing her races- she really was spectacular.  In fact, here is the link for her 2009 Breeders Cup win against the boys.  Her 2010 effort is actually more amazing, but she comes up a head short in that one because she was so, so , so far back early on.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ud_XPH6Eix4 .

On a completely unrelated note, Jacob has started wetting the bed.  It's really weird.  He has been doing great for about 7 months, and suddenly, he is just not waking me up to go pee in the night, and lo and behold, he's wetting the bed.  It's super awesome.  I don't want to make him feel bad if he is legitly just sleeping through it, which I think he is.  He already goes to the bathroom right before I tuck him in.  I guess I need to cut his milk during story time down to almost nothing, since he currently only gets about 1/4 cup.

Thats all.  I think I have droned on about completely inconsequential things for long enough! We are headed to a local beef farm this morning to pick up some farm fed burger and steak.  That news story on the pink slime pushed me over the edge.  We are lucky enough to have local resources, and we also have a butcher shop not too far from here, so it's time we start supporting them as well.

The Grind

Next weekend is my first 5k of the year.  I was hoping for a PR (personal record) but the last couple days I've been hobbling around pretty bad.  After much internet research, I have come up with a self diagnosis.  Piriformis Syndrome.  It basically affects my deep gluteus muscles (butt) and runs down my hamstring, and even zings around to the front of my groin.  It doesn't feel great.  It has to do with having tight hip adductors/or abductors, I can't remember.  I picked up some resistance bands at Target today to start some hip strengthening, and will religiously be stretching my piriformis muscle and IT band (which connects to the knee) all week in hopes that by next Sunday I can do more than hobble.  We'll see what happens.  My Dad is coming down to run it with me, and I was hoping to beat him for the first time, but it's not looking good.

Anyways.  On another fitness note, Becky and I are starting an 8 week boxing class on Tuesday.  She awesomely signed me up for the class, and then informed me when to show up :)  I am super excited as the woman who runs the gym has nothing but good reviews and lots of success stories.  I'm hoping this bounces me up to the next level of a healthy lifestyle.  I started taking a strange homeopathic remedy- it's Apple Cider Vinegar (with "THE MOTHER") which is supposed to help with insulin regulation and PCOS issues.  Actually, if you google it, or even just read Amazon reviews, the stuff helps everything.  It was 3 bucks in the health section at Shaws, and I actually like the taste of  it in my water, so I figure I'll try it for a month or two, and see what happens. I also bought some coconut oil, which is loaded in Medium Chain Triglycerides and supposed to be very helpful all around as well too.  It tastes pretty delicious on popcorn!

We had our first snowstorm of the season since October 31st, 2011 a few days ago.  Jacob and I got some sledding in, and Mike finished fixing Jacob's little snowmobile.  He drove around the yard really well.  We don't currently have a helmet that really fits him, so I was fretting, but Mike set the governor relatively low- so it didn't really go much faster than his yard tractor. It's crazy to see him driving around- he is getting to be such a big boy. We painted his room last weekend- no more "baby" yellow- just Big Boy blue now.

My mom's truck broke down, so Mike has been busy fixing that.  Pretty sure they had some sort of yelling argument today, but as usual I ignored it.  I can't get into it.  Not nice things will come out of my mouth. I'll leave it at that for now as Mike has finally come in from outside and I want some snuggle time.  Here are some pictures!

Riding the Kitty Cat

His new room color

Still has to have his dump truck outside!

Mike and Me

While Jacob watches Cat in the Hat, I figured I would post me and Mike's "how we met" story.  Most people who read this already know it, but I thought it would be fun to record for posterity ;) Warning, this is a long one.

It was October 1997.  My best friend at the time, Molly, was dating a kid named Jason.  He had twin brothers that would be visiting CT soon, and both of them thought that Mike would just be perfect for me. I was a freshman at UMASS, and still painfully, awkwardly shy.  I had never dated anyone- heck, I hadn't even kissed anyone yet.  The idea terrified me!  However, I said fine, and planned to go to CT for the weekend of Halloween.

I remember a lot about meeting them.  Mike was wearing a long black trench coat, and cowboy boots.  I think we were at Jason's apartment when they introduced us.  Someone was cooking macaroni and cheese.  We didn't talk much.  I just listened, and watched.  Mike was quiet.  Shaye was boisterous.  I remember Jason's cat liked Mike, and that Mike spent a long time patting it, and that I thought that was a good sign.  I remember being completely entranced by his hands.  They were big and strong, but very gentle.  Molly and I had to head home, but we set up a time to meet again the next day.

We chatted a bit more the next day.  I asked him about all the scars on his hand, and told him I thought a person's hands said a lot about their character. (I really said that, I swear).  All the brothers came to Molly's parents house for dinner, and I remember not being able to eat a single thing on my plate because I was so nervous.  I wrote a journal entry at Molly's that night "I want to get to know this man, I want to help him quit smoking and go to college, but I am afraid I might be a bit too harsh for him" (lol).  He was very sweet all weekend, and we ended the weekend with a talk outside Molly and Jason's art class.  He basically told me that I was a really nice girl, and he liked me, but that he was working 2 jobs and didn't have time to put into a "relationship".  That's not really what he was looking for (anyone else read between the lines, here?).  I agreed, and we both thought we'd run into each other again sometime soon.

Life went on, and I heard about Mike through the grapevine, but we didn't cross paths again until the summer of 1998.  Molly and I went up for 4th of July.  I went to the drive through with Mike, but he spent his time flitting between me and 3 other girls he thought he might have a shot at (no joke, it was crazy).  Then we went to a house party where I consumed a ridiculous amount of adult beverages (drowning my sorrows b/c Mike was clearly not interested in me) and tried to hook up with his cousin in the driveway.  Who comes running out of the house to stop us?  Mike.  He takes me aside and tells me that I am too nice to get involved with his cousin, and tells his cousin to leave me alone.  I remember thinking, "oh, he does like me!"...and then he ran off to tend to his other options.  I ended up puking next to a dog in a bush all night, and for the record, Mike ended up with nothing that night.

It gets fuzzy here, but I think despite all that, we exchange numbers, and make a plan for him to bring me to the Brockton Fair, because at this point he had moved in with his aunt and uncle in Wareham, MA.  He picks me up, we go with his "other" cousins and we have a great time.  I end up going back to Wareham with him that night, and stay on the couch upstairs in the living room, while he plays video games in the basement with his cousins.  Again, I swear I am not joking.  This literally happened.  I remember being upstairs wondering what the hell I was supposed to do.  I didn't want to just sashay myself down there...an invitation would have been nice.  But, I digress.  He brings me home, and we have our first sweet kiss in the barn where I had brought him to see my horse Lucy and her baby Raven.  He promises to call.  And then he doesn't.  Ever.  I called him twice, but he never returned my calls.  I'm serious.

Fast forward to July 1999.  Again, Molly and I head up for 4th of July to the Mountain in Vermont.  Mike had recently broken up with his girlfriend, and by this time in my life, the whole Mike situation was really an amusing saga.  He apologizes for never calling me- I think I asked if he was busy for an entire year, or something along those lines...and we move on amicably.  That night at the bonfire, he actively comes over and sits next to me (over his ex-girlfriend, who of course, was also there) and the next day, we all go tubing down a river.  We talk the whole time, and by the end, are holding hands.  When I leave VT this time, I know in my heart that I will be seeing him much more frequently.  We see each other almost every weekend that summer, and I leave for my last semester at UMASS.  We've been together through hell, good times, total insanity, heartbreak, loss, despair, confusion, and everything else in between since then.  We've matured as a couple and learned a lot.  We still have our flaws, and when we are angry with each other we can still cause the earth to rumble, but we've mellowed with age and security.  I'd like to think that when we are happy with one another, the earth is a sweeter place ;p

Thats the start of our story.  We've known each other for 15 years this year, which is completely and totally crazy to think about.  We've been together for 13.  We know each other so well, and yet when it suits us, we both deny that the other knows us at all!  LOL.  It's amazing to think of all we have shared, and all we have been through.  There were times I think neither of us were certain where we'd end up, or if we'd be together.  I have no qualms in admitting that there were times I thought of leaving.  I don't think it means we have less of a relationship, or that we aren't meant to be together because there were times we doubted it.  We were so young, and to be honest, we were really each others first deep, serious, relationship.  We had no idea what we were doing.  We still don't know what we're doing sometimes.  But now we can pull it off together.  Because we always have.  Because we always will.  It's what we do together.  We make things work.  We love, and when we "don't", we know we will again.

As the final ending- my friend Molly and Jason are no longer.  Clearly they were only together so that fate would lead me and Mike to each other! Jason is now, of course, my brother in law- and he's married to a pretty awesome gal ;p

Home Early

Got to come home early from work today.  Not so good as far as my paycheck goes, but a chance to catch up on laundry and pull out dinner.  I thought about going to get Jacob from school early, but it's a beautiful day and I am sure they are outside on the playground having a grand time, and if I went to get him it would just be a battle.  I'd rather not spend my surprise 2 hours in a battle!

Girls Night Out this Saturday.  We don't do anything crazy anymore, but we will go for dinner and close the place down.  We just gab eat and drink.  Of course, Mike will be gone until 4pm Saturday helping his friend Jim work on his house, so as soon as Mike gets home, I leave.  I told him I didn't think it was fair that my "free"  time always came at the end of the night when Jacob was sleeping anyways.  C'est La Vie.  We'll come up with something fun to do on Saturday hopefully.  I'd like to paint his room, but I'm not certain that's a splendid idea with him in the house.  His room is still the same color it was when he was a baby- yellow.  We picked a neutral early on- but now that he's so big and such...well, a boy, really, it seems like it's time for something different.  We'll probably go with a blue, but he's not opposed to green either.

Running is going pretty well.  Been plagued with some nagging type injuries, but nothing serious.  Hope to run my 5 mile loop this weekend sometime.  Ordered new shoes, which is always exciting.  First race of the year is in a couple weeks (March 11)- my Dad will be joining me again, so that will be fun.  Letting that half marathon idea more and more into my head these days.  I need to do some crosstraining to strengthen my body in other ways and have been thinking of boxing.  I really think I would enjoy it.  I just need to find a reasonably priced place to go.  For some reason, boxing classes are super expensive!  I've lost 7 pounds since the first of the year, and have about 15- 20 more to go to be where I think I could be pretty happy and maintain.

Trying to plan a summer vacation, and hoping to do our "annual" Florida visit sometime in April as well.  Just don't see it all materializing the way I'd like it to.  Not sure really what I want to plan for our summer vacation- was thinking White Mountains, OOB, Lake George....can't decide.

Nothing groundbreaking in this post.  Just a quick update for now.

Single Mom Weekend

Dramatic.  I can be, yes.  Hence the title of this post.  Mike is in Vermont this weekend, hopefully getting some good snowmobiling in with his brother.  He hasn't been up much other than Christmas, so when he asked if I minded if he went, it was a no-brainer.  He works very hard almost all the time, and needs time to destress and relax like anyone else!  I used to mind very much when he went away for the weekends.  Mostly, because I wanted somebody here to help me with Jacob.  But also, because I felt a little bit left out and jealous that he got to have weekends on his own and I didn't...or more that he WANTED weekends by himself, and I didn't.  I got my feelings all bent out of shape, and worked myself up into believing that he didn't care as much about us, or me, as I did him.  Did I mention I can be dramatic?

In any case, as Jacob has gotten older, I have become much more accepting of Mike's trips North, and interestingly (to me, anyway) the more accepting I am, the less he seems to go! I really enjoy my weekend with just Jacob now.  We always do something that we probably wouldn't have done if Mike was home, like go out to eat for pizza.  He's very well behaved with just me- he seems to know there is no "options" if you will.  He tends to get away with just a little bit more with Daddy it seems.

Today we played trucks, and puzzles, and built garages and smashed blocks.  A normal day.  I always have dinner on the table on time, and him in bed right at 8 when Mike isn't home.  We are very timely without him, I must admit.  I think Mike has his own schedule in his head, and it rarely includes the actual time, LOL.

I do miss him when he is gone, obviously.  But there is something insanely wonderful about being able to pick out whatever I want to watch on TV.  Last night I stayed up reading Mockingjay (the last book in the Hunger Games trilogy) and sobbed openly, something that would just seem silly to do with Mike sitting next to me.  He comes home tomorrow night sometime (see previous comments on Mike's schedule), and it will be great to have him back...but I will miss hogging the whole bed!

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Funny Jacob story- the other night he is "sleeping".  I am in the kitchen cleaning up and hear him make some noise.  It keeps up, and I go to his room to tell him to settle down. "Quiet time, Jacob" I announce as I peek through his door.  "But Mommy, I just sneezed".  me-"Okay Jacob, get some rest"  him-"But no-one was here to say Bless You!"  (me stifling a giggle)- "Okay Bud, bless you.  Good Night, I love you"  him- sighs loudly "Ok, thank you.  Goodnight Mommy".

Love that kid

The other night, I'm putting Jacob to bed.  He starts calling himself a monkey butt, and other assorted types of "butts".  I giggle, but tell him that using the word butt to describe people in general is not the greatest idea.  Sometimes people don't like being described with the word butt, I tell him...He looks at me, and says "Describe me, Momma".   So I tell him "You are smart, funny, handsome and well-loved"  He smiles, and asks me to tell him again, so I do.  He pauses, and then says "I wanna describe you Momma".  I say sure, not knowing what to expect.  He says "You are the bestest mommy in the whole world...and you need a smooch!".

Awesome.  Love that kid.

Soap Boxing

Three weeks ago, I had NO idea what Pinterest was.  I saw some activity on Facebook regarding it, but when I visited it, I just didn't get it.  Well...I did a little research, and now I am totally hooked.  It's a wonderful tool.  You can collect recipes, get clothing inspiration, craft ideas, create travel lists- the possibilities seem endless.  In the last 2 weeks since figuring Pinterest out, I have made my own laundry soap, all purpose cleaner, and done a  craft with Jacob.  It doesn't seem like much, but in the past, I'd see something online, and think, oh, thats cool...And then Pffft!  Away it would go.  Now I can collect the ideas and reference them so easily! I love it.

My mother got her externship at a place in Framingham, so hopefully tensions will ease on the homefront.  It is obviously not a paying job, but at least it's moving forward.  She went to get a tooth pulled the other day and couldn't have it done, because her blood pressure was too high.  Long story short, she decides the dentist is an idiot, and makes an appointment with her GP. (can you see where this is going?)  Shockingly, today her GP tells her, yes, it is true, you have high blood pressure.  She tells me she needs to monitor it at home, and that they are putting her on some medications.

I am a scientist in my heart.  I love medicine.  I love germs, and body processes, and all things related.  But, this medication craze is out of control.  I am not saying we don't need blood pressure medication.  It's wonderful that we have it.  It saves lives.  But this doctor didn't even MENTION diet change, or exercise, or QUITTING SMOKING (hello!!!) to my mom before throwing a pack of pills her way.  I know this, because I asked.  My mom got all defensive and said she eats way better "than she used to"...which is a completely irrelevant argument.  I'm sure the doctor was getting vibes from my mom that made it quite clear my mom wasn't going to listen to whatever the doctor said, but as a doctor, you need to say it anyways.  Enough is enough about hurting peoples feelings, or offending them.  I swear I have Jack Nicholson screaming "You can't handle the truth!!!" in my head every day. Well, he's screaming it in my head, for me, at other people. I see it in the veterinary world even.  People can't handle the suggestion that feeding Fido every scrap from the dinner table in addition to his unmeasured bowl full of food is actually harmful.  People can't handle any suggestions anymore, it feels like.

I'll get off my high horse now.  Mike and I are headed out this weekend for my work winter party, and then out to a local yocal spot for possibly some dancing, and definitely some drinks.  It should be a good time :) Tomorrow I will recount Jacob's sweet "monkey butt" story!

Frowny Face

Rough night last night watching the Patriots lose.  I adore Tom Brady, and really wanted to see him win another...I honestly shook through the entire game, and then kept waking up thinking of that final gorgeous throw into the end zone that no one caught.  Every time I woke up, I thought just maybe Gronk had caught it this time.  Sigh.  I get too involved in things that really have no affect on my life!

I woke up this morning, so life does go on :)  Not much exciting going on these days that I can talk about just yet. No, I'm not pregnant.  But Mike does have a few things hopefully coming down the pipeline for him soon.  He's worked so hard for so long, I really hope he gets to reap some benefits and get some recognition for it soon.

This New England weather has been anything BUT New England.  I have to say that personally, I am quite grateful.  I just want Spring to hurry up and get here so I will enjoy asking Jacob if he wants to go outside again.  We have a couple cool bike paths I'd like to bring him to this year.  He'll need a new bike (again), since as with everything else, he's outgrowing his old one already.  He is in Boys size 5-6 clothes now, and wears a size 13 shoe.  It's kind of crazy.

We are sending in his application for public preschool.  It's a lottery process, so you have to number you choice preference- we have 5 full days, 3 full days, or 2 full days.  Ideally, I would like the 3 full days, but Mike wants the 5.  He wants me to be able to work a little more, ostensibly to take the pressure off him a bit...So I can't refuse.  The thing is, if Jacob gets in a 5 day program, I REFUSE to not be home when he gets out of school.  I won't have him at school all day and then in the care of someone else for me to come home and put him to bed.  I have the luxury of knowing we don't need to do that for financial reasons, so theres no way I would let it happen.  It's just not what I want.  I don't know what that means for my current job.  I suppose it's something we'll figure out in March, when the lottery gets drawn.

Enough rambling for today.  Cat in the Hat is on, which is code for, snuggle time with Jacob!

Weekend

We had a fun weekend with my sister who came down from Maine to visit.  We went into the Big City (Boston) and brought Jacob to the Children's Museum.  He was fairly unimpressed with most of the exhibits, and boastingly, I can say it's because he's exposed to so much at home.  Bubbles, Water, Sand, Slides, Tools, Kitchen Stuff....it's all stuff I let him "help" me with here.  So using kid friendly tools or pouring sand was just not cutting it (no pun intended) for him. It was fun to get out of the house and on an adventure though.  I think our next visit will be to the "real" Science Museum.

Going into Boston is always a reality check for me.  I live out in Central Massachusetts, or "the boonies", as my friends refer to it as.  Many times I day dream about what it would be like to live closer to the city, and have more money to blow on stupid things.  As we stood behind 4 couples who were using 800 dollar strollers and their kids were decked out in Juicy Couture, I was struck with how happy I am in my little life.  I don't know that those couples are any happier in life because they have more money than me.  Or that the father wore a trendy corduroy jacket and nice watch.  As much as I don't want to and try not to, I can sometimes get caught up in the images people portray.

I am trying to make a lot of changes this year.  The most important is to live a healthy lifestyle and provide Jacob a good example.  That should include being less judgy.  It's going to be hard for me.  No lie, I am judge, jury and executioner most of the time. The only time I'm not is if someone else is playing my role.  Then I turn into a public defender and play devils advocate. I imagine I can be a frustrating person to live with/deal with sometimes.  In any case, I'm working on it.  I don't know how I came to be this way or why, but I can try to change how I react.

In other news, I have rediscovered my Wii and am a dancing fiend.  We played Just Dance all weekend long, and it was awesome.  I am pretty sure I found my "cross training" for days I don't run...Speaking of which, after today's run, I will have run 50 miles in one month.  I hope to hit a 75 mile month by the end of the fall if all goes according to plan.  We shall see.

Here we are in Boston after the museum.  Clearly I wasn't worried about image here.  Look at my terrible hair!!!! LOL.

Predicament

I'm in a bit of a predicament these days.  My mom moved in with us at the end of October. The reasons are almost too many to run through, but suffice it to say, the last few years have not been prosperous for her.  She got evicted from her apartment and had nowhere to go.  What else could we do?

I can't remember a time when my mother and I were close.  I think that we must have been when I was little, but I have no memories of feeling great comfort or affection for her.  That sounds terrible, doesn't it?  It's one of those things I hesitate to write down.  I love her, because she's my mom, but we don't "click".  The episodes that led to the cementing of my ambivalent feelings toward her occurred when I was a young adult.  My parents divorced when I was18.  I was at UMASS, but my little brother and sister were at home to deal with it.  The year prior, my mom's mom dies, and my mom started to lose her grip on real life, it seemed like.  She started doing drugs, and had terrible boyfriends.  My Dad took the kids to Maine with him, and she went downhill from then on.  She blew through her inheritance, lost the house, lost her job, and then moved to Texas with a man who eventually knocked her teeth out and put her in a homeless shelter.

She came back to Massachusetts and started living with my Aunt.  During all this time, we occasionally chatted, but nothing of consequence.  I tried occasionally to bury the hatchet, but every time I did, my mom would just say something crazy.  It was hard for me to understand how the life she was living now was better than the one she had with my father.  

To make a 20 year long story fit into a space that someone might be able to read, I still wonder how she thinks her life turned out.  But you can't ask my mom questions.  She doesn't really answer them.  She talks, but she doesn't answer.  She's been diagnosed with some mood disorders, but won't take meds.  She never got her front teeth fixed.  She still asks and takes money from my father, even when she was living with her long time boyfriend.  She's been unemployed for 3 years.  When she moved in here, she'd go out for 30 minutes and apply for jobs.  She STILL hasn't applied to certain large jobs in the area.  She is routinely rude to people, but doesn't seem to know it. The other day she got her hair cut, and said to the woman at the end "Well, I could have done that".  

The fact that my Dad has supported her basically since the divorce kills me.  I know it's on my Dad- it's his decision.  But what about self respect?  I know I'm hard on her.  Since Jacob was born, I've tried to let go of the past, and just deal with her now.  I let her back into my life so Jacob could have a Nana, and so she could experience her grandson.  She barely saw him before she moved in.  She never had a truck to drive out here, and if she did, she had no gas money.  I didn't take it upon myself to bring him to her smoke filled apartment with her drunk, loud boyfriend.  

So now she's here.  She did a medical assisting school, but isn't getting placed anywhere, and honestly, I'd be surprised if she did.  Mike and I try and take advantage and get some us time while she's here, but feeding an extra mouth makes it less likely for us to splurge on a night out for ourselves.  I don't know what to do, or how long to let her stay.  I feel like a terrible daughter for even wondering.  But we can't have her here indefinitely.  It hasn't been positive for any of us.  How do you kick your mom out of your house, particularly if she literally has nowhere else to go?  We decided a year is fair...now we just need to broach the subject with her.  I am sure she will play the part of a victim, as always, but it's hard enough to keep our finances afloat without adding another.  She has a dog, who I have already spent about 100 bucks on for exams and shots.  It's not a huge amount, but it adds up.  

Mostly, I just wish I had a different relationship with my mom.  I know she is who she is, and I can't change that.  We are just so different.  We would never keep company with each other if we weren't related.  I suppose family is good for that...teaching you acceptance no matter what.  I just wish it was an Aunt or Uncle I was learning to accept no matter what...Not my mom.

Whining

I've been running for several years.  I dabbled in it pre-Jacob, but it was really after his birth that I got "serious" about it.  It helps me think.  It helps me feel strong.  What it hasn't done much of is help me lose weight.  The title of this post is whining for a reason.  I'm going to feel sorry for myself a little here.  Before my last round of fertility treatments, I had upped my mileage to almost 7 miles.  Last June I ran a 10k (6.2 miles) in about 65 minutes, which was awesome.  When we decided to re-start fertility treatments I had to stop running per order of the doctor.  None of that turned out too well, and I ended up losing what felt like all of my base fitness and started back again in November.  Since then, I've built back up to about 4.5 miles, but despite eating tons of salads (sans dressing, even) and soups, and cutting down carbs, my weight is holding steady at a place I don't want it.  I have PCOS, which makes it very hard for me to drop weight without the aid of medications.  But this time around, I want to do it myself.  I want to change my lifestyle and live healthier.  We are trying to eat less processed foods, and come springtime, will be buying into a CSA from a local farm.  I'm excited about these changes, and know that no matter what happens on the scale, they are the right things to do for me and my family....But WAHHH!!!!  Why do I have to work so much harder than everyone else at life?  Okay, Okay, I am being dramatic.  I know this.  But that is how it feels sometimes.

My friends and I are doing a Biggest Loser at work.  I am really trying hard to make changes.  There aren't a lot of things I can easily cut out.  I don't drink soda, I don't have chips in the house, I don't eat ice cream every night...Everyone else has something they can just magically whisk away and start dropping weight.  I know I shouldn't be focused on the numbers.  I DO feel healthier and stronger.  I take pride in knowing that I could whup most if not all of them on the road running.  It just stinks that I don't get to see outward results very easily, if at all.

Mike and I are going to do a "mud run" together this summer.  He literally will NOT have to train.  Somehow the man can go out and run 5 miles without having run a step in the prior 5 years.  He's genetically blessed in areas that I clearly am not.  We hope to have some friends join us in this.  I will need him there with me to convince me I can conquer the obstacles.  He is one of the few people in my life that gives me confidence when I feel like curling into a ball and hiding.  My Dad would be the other.  I will for sure need him to prop me up mentally when we get to the first obstacle!  He has also mentioned that he would like to set up a training course out on our back trails.  He really is awesome and amazing.

The other big goal in the back of my mind is a half marathon in September.  Come springtime I will gauge where I am at and decide if I want to proclaim my entry to it.  I really feel like I can make it happen barring any injury. The fact that I am even considering a Half Marathon is almost an accomplishment in and of itself.

I suppose I need to focus on all these positives (and there are quite a few).  I hope that if I just stay strong and steady, my body will slowly start to change itself for me.  If nothing else, I know I am making my heart stronger, and for a woman with PCOS, that is always important.  I'll talk more about PCOS at some point.  It's the bane of my existence, and this year I'd like to become more proactive in taking care of the symptoms naturally...

http://www.womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/polycystic-ovary-syndrome.cfm

Torn

I've been thinking a lot about babies recently.  The journey to conceive Jacob was a difficult one.  It took almost 3 years to get pregnant...the pregnancy was fine, but the birth, recovery and ensuing 9 months post partum or so rocked me back on my heels pretty hard.

When we got married, I told Mike that I wanted 2 children.  After Jacob, he didn't pressure me or bring it up for about 2 years.  Then he started dropping hints.  I ignored them as long as I could, until I realized I needed to make a decision.  That fact, in and of itself, pissed me off.  I actively had to decide if I wanted to get back into treatment to potentially conceive another child.  Some people might say everyone has to make a decision to have another child, but for many people, that decision consists of throwing your pills out, or "forgetting" to take them for a couple weeks.  For others, it's a decision to have sex at the right time of the month.  Still others may have to time it with the addition of a fertility drug called clomid.  The list of possibilities goes on...but for me, the process is this.  Do I want to contact my fertility specialist and make an appointment for an u/s and bloodwork? Do I want to restart my metformin, which helps my PCOS, but gives me terrible stomach cramps, a feeling of general malaise, and blow out diarrhea for the next 3 months and birth control to help regulate my body? Do I then want to start estrogen tabs and go in for monitoring to be sure my uterine lining is thickening properly...and then if it is, begin intramuscular progesterone injections, and then finally my embryo transfer??  Oh, and then lastly, wait an everlasting 2 weeks before trudging in for a pregnancy test that you are both completely convinced is positive, and negative at the same time?  I don't get the luxury of just "trying and see what happens".  I don't get to throw my arms up in the air and leave it all to chance...

We made the decision in the summer of 2011 to do all that...again. It was more painful than I expected.  I thought the second time around was going to be a breeze.  I knew what to expect.  I had a child already.  Unfortunately, I was wrong.  It was almost worse this time.  Before we had Jacob, there was a desperation about me that made all the shots less painful.  Having Jacob at home made me resent the time the process took away from him.  It made me preoccupied, and the hormones made me crabby and short on patience.  I wondered if this was really what I wanted.  After all, if I did get pregnant and have a baby, all these things would occur more so, and for longer.  The progesterone shots were like acid injections, and I was sore almost immediately this time around.  I kept at it, and tried to stay strong and positive- I just knew it was going to work the first time around...

And it did.  My nurse called with my positive results in July.  But the numbers were low.  To make a long story short, it was what they call a "chemical pregnancy".  To be totally honest, I don't know how I felt.  I was sad.  I felt like I had failed Mike.  But on some personal level, I was a little relieved.  I needed more time.  We had 3 more frozen embryos left- did I want to try again right away, my nurse asked?  I did.  I had to go through another birth control cycle to settle my body down, and in September we were ready to roll again.  One of the embryos did not survive when they thawed, so they thawed another and transferred that.  Two more weeks...again, I got a call.  It was positive, but just barely.  Over the next month, I got dragged in and out of the lab for bloodwork, as my levels continued to rise appropriately, but stayed very low.  It was torture.  Some level of me wanted to believe it could work out, but the logical side of me knew something not good was brewing.  Sure enough, in October they diagnosed me with an ectopic pregnancy and I went in for a methotextrate shot.  All during this time I had to keep taking my progesterone shots, just in case.  I cried.  A lot.  The loss felt more real this time around.  I felt greedy.  I felt selfish.  I was scared.  Ectopic pregnancies can be dangerous- now I felt like an irresponsible mom, subjecting my body to known IVF risks even though I had a boy at home already that needed me.

And now here we are.  2012.  The chemotherapy drug has been in my body long enough that it is safe for me to try to transfer our last frozen embryo...but I don't know if we will.  Having one ectopic pregnancy greatly increases the risk for another.  I don't know if I can do it again.  I don't know that I want to.  I have a great family right now. I have a lot of freedom.  It's so easy to take Jacob somewhere.  Mike can go away for a weekend no problem- I can handle Jacob on my own, and vice versa.  And yet, I still feel guilty.  Is it wrong to not try harder for a sibling for Jacob?

I've asked him several times if he wants a baby brother or sister, or if he wants to be a big brother.  He has ALWAYS said no.  I know better than to listen to the words of a 2 1/2 or 3 year old, but it still always gave me pause.  Last month I asked him again...he told me, with indignance, and frustration (listen UP woman, for crying out loud) " No momma, I just want to be me.  Jacob Landon Perry"  I laughed, but I liked his point.  He'll be okay as an only child if that's what happens. He's an independent little guy, who has never been real cuddly.  Who's to say he actually wouldn't be happier without a brother or sister?

In any case- I'm torn.  I know Mike wants more children.  He's an amazing father, he ought to be able to exert his wonderful influence over numerous other children.  Alas, I am not the woman that can provide numerous children.  I see now that we are extra blessed that I was able to have one.  I see the questions in everyone's eyes when they see me with just one child.  I was asked insensitive questions when Mike and I were trying to conceive.  I thought they would end when we had a child, but now, instead of "When are you guys going to have a baby", it's "When are you going to give Jacob a sibling?" It's inferred that we are bad parents, selfish parents, abnormal parents, if we don't have another.

I don't know what our end result will be.  I don't know if we will try again, or move on with life for now.  I'm young enough that we could try again, from scratch, even if we waited another 3 years.  My little sister is 9 years younger than me, and I think it worked out great.  All I know is I love the family that I have fiercely right now, and that is what matters.  I want to live for today, not wonder what will be tomorrow.

Sick

My little guy is sick. We ended last week with terrible diarrhea and a trip to the doctor with orders to collect a stool sample...and in my efforts to feed him a safe, bland diet, he hasn't pooped since. Compounding the issue is his usual winter bout of croup. I heard it coming- he gets a froggy voice, and then the next couple nights are terrible. He's a repeat offender with croup- he gets it twice a year at least. Last year was the worst, with an emergency trip to the ER in New Hampshire on Mothers Day. We know what to do and when it is an emergency- we are well versed in all the nuances of croup...But that sure doesn't make it any easier to deal with. So far this particular episode has been manageable, not much stridor, no gasping for air episodes. I can only hope that as he gets bigger, he'll grow out of it, as "they " claim he will. I wonder about the root cause all the time. Is it our woodstove? Does he have a smaller windpipe than normal? They took radiographs in New Hampshire and didn't find anything alarming, but I still wonder.

His appetite is down, and he is afraid to eat too much- he worries out loud that he will throw up. It's just awful to see your child worry about stuff like that. He's had more than his fair share of puking episodes, some of which I think may be acid reflux related, but every time we get to the doctor, there is some other issue we deal with and I forget to mention it. Which of course, makes me a horrendous mother.

He's so big and tall that the doctor doesn't think there is anything serious going on- if there was he wouldn't be in the 97th percentile for height and off the charts for weight. But a mother can't help but worry, and I do think there is something going on that needs to be dealt with, I just can't put my finger on it.

Of course, it is a holiday weekend, and the doctors office is closed tomorrow. Mike has the day off and hopefully we can think of something fun to do together as a family. He's been working non stop on the railing for the upstairs he is making by hand. We drove out into the woods with the golf carts and cut down some beech trees and dragged them home on the top of the golf cart about 2 months ago. Ever since, he's been hand scraping the bark and sanding the spindles, railings, and posts. It looks magnificent. I will have to post some pictures when it is done. The man is truly incredible. I am so very lucky to have him as my husband.

All is quiet now. Jacob has fallen asleep, but no doubt will wake in a few hours due to a coughing fit. I should get some rest now so I can deal with it at 1 am.

Floundering

I have a moment. I'll update my blog, I decide confidently. Too bad I have no idea what to write about. Jacob is sick, or something resembling sick. He started this week with vomiting- which isn't atypical of him, and has ended it with terrible watery diarrhea. I finally make the decision to get him to the doctors, and of course, he's cured. He's hungry, and wants to eat and hasn't gone since I called the doctor. I am equipped with collection equipment, but he's not going. Of course. It feels like my life is full of shit at the moment. My kid, and when I am not home, I get to deal with it at work in animal form.

It's cold and windy today. Jacob is outside "helping" Mike fix the Subaru, and I am giving him time to get cold so I can drag him to either Wal Mart or Target to pick up slippers and other completely non- blog worthy material.

God this is an awful post. See what happens when I try and do something just because I have the time, and NOT because I am inspired on some level? I've got nothing else, so I'll end it now, with what little dignity I have currently remaining....

Ninth or Tenth times a charm?

Hey look. It's January, and I am thinking about logging my thoughts on a blog again. Turns out it's been THREE years since I last posted. It's hard to keep all these social genres going. Facebook obviously takes precedence- immediate gratification and all....

So. What are the social rules for a 3 year time lapse in writing? Do I explain (to myself, since no one else reads this) why I have been so lax? I mean, I think I know why. Something that stands a little over 3 1/2 feet tall and has made it abundantly clear that he runs the show now. Jacob, Jacob Jacob. He's a menace. He's a doll. He's manipulative and selfish, and loving and thoughtful- all at the same time. In short, he's a typical 3 1/2 year old. He's grown so much since my last post. Not much carrying him on my hip these days- after all he is almost 50 pounds of what seems like pure sinewy muscle (particularly if you are asking him to hold still for any reason). He is no doubt, the love of my life, and the bane of my existence. We are very similar, and if I don't repeatedly stop myself, we can easily butt heads and battle. I think he is teaching me how to be a better person, and I hope I am starting him off a little more educated in how to properly display a self righteous burst of outrage...Ummm...I mean, a more socially acceptable way to have a hissy fit...crap. Basically, I hope when he gets angry he doesn't dissolve into fits of frothing spit and bellyfuls of seething, raging fire as I was prone to as a young adult.

We've done a ton of fun things in the past 3 years. I want to do a lot of fun family stuff that I didn't necessarily get to do when I was little. I want him to want to travel and learn about our wonderful country, and see the world as well. He seems his best when we travel, so I don't think I'll have to nudge too hard. He loves to go new places, and I hope we can continue to afford the luxuries of travel we've been fortunate enough to experience so far.

Mike and I are doing better than ever. Having a little baby is stressful, and don't get me wrong, a toddler is no walk in the park, but being well rested for the most part really helps a relationship. He is a tremendous father- I always knew he would be- but as Jacob grows older, it becomes more and more apparent the amazing, wonderful qualities he is going to impart on our child. For now, I'll just ignore the less desirable qualities that may or may not go along with it...this is the first blog back, yeah? I feel like it should be a glowing review ;p

Thats all for now. I clearly can't catch up on the missing years, and I don't really want to. I am trying to be more "present" in the present this year. Lots of ideas that have been floating around in my head that need to take shape. Perhaps writing them down and making space for them will help. The written word is, after all, so much more powerful than those that meander about in time, scratching their meaning only into the backs of your eyeballs instead of going through that whole fancy process of being turned around from upside down in the retinas to rightside up in the brain, but that's just getting crazy, so I'll stop.