Luck

We were outside most of this weekend, enjoying the first warm temps of the season. As usual, Mother Nature had to go a bit overboard, and grace us with mid 80's from the mid 50's and no in between, but what else is new?

I thought it was going to be fantastic- I'd bring Jacob outside, and get gardening and yard work done- he'd get fresh air and a new environment. It wasn't that easy. The pack and play holds him for about 15 minutes. Then he wonders why he is confined when Mom and Dad are moving about the yard so easily. The giant blanket on the ground is an even worse option...Place child in middle of blanket with toy. Turn to begin raking. Watch child crawl as quickly as possible to end of blanket and eat grass with delight. Repeat process over, and over, and over again!! I suppose all that matters is that enjoys himself!

On to the subject matter of the post. I do apologize for the scatter brain nature of this story...I think I am still recovering from the 5k, but I'll post on that later. In any case, Luck. Mike and I were walking in the backyard Friday night with Jacob, plotting out where we would put the garden. We were just aimlessly meandering, chatting a bit about how far the backyard has come in recent years. I had Jacob on my hip, and noticed the patches of clover in front of us, and thought fondly of looking for 4 leaf clovers for hours on end when I was a little girl. I glanced down at the patch at my feet, giving it a cursory once over, and in that 2 second glance- there it was. A 4 leaf clover. Just like that. No searching, no frustration, no anticipation, nothing. Mike was amazed- I am not usually the "finder" in our relationship. I picked it, brought it in, and put it in Jacob's baby book.

I'm sure if I think about it, there is a lesson to be learned. I can see it in the periphery of my mind. Something along the lines of you find things the easiest when you aren't desperately looking for them, and then applying it to my life...But, alas, the 4 leaf clover picked the wrong person to teach this weekend. I'm on vacation from life lessons towards me for the time being...

Accomplishments

Jacob has recently discovered how to sit up on his own. Finally! He had been trying so hard for so long- I was so happy for the little guy. That is, until I went to put him down for a nap. Nap? You could almost see the glee in his eyes as I laid him down and went to leave.

Almost instantly, he was on his elbow pushing himself up to watch me go. I was horrified. I hadn't even considered these sorts of ramifications. I left the room, hoping for the best...but he began crying. At first it was a whine, so I let him be. Then it was heartbreaking sad sobs. I peeked through the door and saw him sitting, hunched over, crying. The poor little guy was exhausted (hence the reason mommy put him down for a nap!), but couldn't figure out how to lie back down!! I walked in and lay him back down and stood with him for a minute, stroking his forehead. He fell into a fitful sleep, and eventually took a decent nap.

A more experienced mom than I told me that when babies learn something new, their sleep schedule is disrupted. It makes sense. It's like when we get a new job as an adult. We think about it, we ponder it, we wonder if we could have done something better, and it keeps us up at night for a while. I'm not sure Jacob was reviewing his form, but for sure he was pleased as punch at his new accomplishment. I use the term WAS, because already, only half a week after getting it down, he's so over it and ready to move on to the next task. Nap time is improving, but not the same, and I don't imagine it will ever be easy again. Soon he'll be standing in his crib- probably sneaking a cordless drill in with him and disassembling the crib, who am I kidding- and banging on it like a caged animal.

People used to tell me I would long for the days of him being a little helpless baby, and I would laugh scathingly. That's not my personality, I would think. I can't wait for him to be more interactive and able to do things on his own...Now that the time is fast approaching, I understand what those people were saying. Be careful what you wish for, so says the old adage...I don't think I was careful enough! :)

Decisions

I've squandered away a lot of opportunities in my life by either deliberately or subconciously sabotaging them, or by just plain running away from the situation. Vet School by far is my biggest "accomplishment" (or lack thereof, more appropriately) in this department. To get into explaining how or why vet school didn't happen...well, that would mean starting a new blog, and probably quite a bit in co pays to a therapist. We'll leave it an overly simplified statement that goes something like this- "The idea of change and failure terrifies me into non action".

The reason I bring this up is because I have an opportunity knocking on my door lately. For all intensive purposes, I should be opening the door wide and welcoming her in. Instead, I drew the curtains. I peeked out at her surreptitiously a few times, and even used the intercom to display false bravado to her while she waited outside. "Just a few minutes" I told her politely. "So nice to have you at my door!"

The opportunity is not a female masseuse wanting to give me free massages and clean my house. Even I, with all my resistance to change, could probably mange to accept that one...It's a job offer in a good field, with good potential to open even more doors. Additionally, it's only 3 days a week, which is ideal for me right now. However, it's a very long commute, and would obviously mean that Jacob would need to enter some sort of day care.

He is almost 8 months old now, and every time I am sure I'm ready to rejoin the work force on some level, he goes and does something new, or totally adorable. The other day we were having a tickle fest, and his belly laughs shot straight through my heart. How does one leave that? No one else knows his favorite way to eat food, or how he likes his clothes or diaper to be changed (it's all about the countdowns).

I want a nanny, which is probably not financially feasible. Mike is fighting me on the issue, because he has decided Jacob needs more socialization. I agree to some extent, but was thinking of day care more along the lines of toddlerhood. Two, maybe three years old. He is upset that Jacob is going through a bit of a stranger danger phase, which I tried to explain to him is totally normal, but he doesn't seem to be hearing me...

In any event, I'm going to open the door tomorrow. Don't tell anyone, but I'll still have the safety chain latched when I do.

Family

Jacob and I just got settled back home from our weekend visit to Maine to see my Dad and little brother and sister. We have been to Vermont and the Cape to visit Mike's family quite a few times since Jacob's birth, but never to Maine.

Mike told me earlier this week that he was going to go snowmobiling in New Hampshire at his brother's house this weekend. I won't get into the details of the "discussion" that ensued, but the end result was that I could either go with him, or stay home.

I decided on Friday afternoon to make a leap of faith, and do a roadtrip on my own, without help from Mike...I called my Dad, who was thrilled to hear we would be coming up to visit, and packed Jacob's stuff and my stuff in record time. Triumphantly, I set out on my way. I could do this. I didn't need anyone's help. I'm a road warrior...

I turned up the tunes and smiled at Jacob in the rearview mirror. "Here, we go!" I announced jubilantly. I bopped my head to Ring on It for about 2 minutes before I had to turn the car around. I forgot my cell phone. No biggie- a minor setback- and off we headed again. I stopped at D&D, yeah...ice coffee for the road...and turned up the radio again.

We got off the back roads and hit 290, headed to 495, where the heart of the drive would take place. I was already reminiscing about how amazing I was on my own. Packed in 45 minutes!! And then it hit me....the pack and play. The most essential item of traveling with a small child who is able to roll everywhere, who absolutely MUST be contained. It was sitting snugly (and smugly) in the corner of my room- probably sending some sort of inanimate object speak to Mike telling him that I had forgotten it. I couldn't turn around. I was 1/2 hour into the drive. Not insurmountable, but oh god, so not worth the effort. As I pondered my options, I decided I would just stop at Wal Mart in Maine, and buy a little cheap pack and play to keep at my Dad's...and then pulled out a pen and paper to jot down the other things I realized I had forgotten. Pajama's (Jacob's), Saline Solution, Shampoo, and Wipes. Sigh. My ego deflated, and I realized that I have no right to yell at Mike when he incessantly runs down the list of things in my suitcase as we go to leave somewhere. "Why do you treat me like I child" I rave at him- "who forgets saline solution when they wear contacts every day??!!"

So. Eventually we make it to my Dad's, and everything is fine- thanks to Wal Mart. I know some people think it's the down fall of society, but dang, they sure do sell stuff for cheap :) The weekend was fun. My sister got to spend a lot of time with Jacob, and so did my Dad. Jacob spends so much time with Mike's side of the family, it's fun to see him interact with mine. I have a much smaller immediate family than Mike, and perhaps that's why they get steamrolled by Mike's so often. They are never planning giant parties, or hosting weddings or anything like that. I need to make more of an effort to see them more frequently. With or without Mike. Next time, I can forget my pack and play all I want. I've got one waiting for me and Jacob in Maine.


Here are some pictures of Jacob enjoying himself- I need to figure out how to work this photo insert thing- I have no idea how. He got to play piano for the first time, and found great delight in balloons, as you can see on the right.

Catching Up- Part 1

I am WAAAAYYYY behind!! I can't say I've been busy pursuing anything more meaningful than blogging- I've just been lazy!

When I left last, we were getting ready for our first family vacation to visit Mike's sister in Florida. I'll recap the trip in an effort to restart my blogging blood.

The flight was fantastic. We flew through a company that currently charters Virgin Air planes, out of an airport 5 minutes from our house with ONE terminal and 3 gates!!!
We landed at an airport that only had one gate. It was fantastic. No lines, no fuss, but a big plane with leather seats and plasma tv's for everyone. The flight was only 75 percent full, so we were able to get a row to ourselves and have the extra room for Jacob.





He was a perfect little angel. Clearly, 6 months is an ideal time for travel!! He was excited to see all the new things, and under the advice of may other more seasoned child travelers, I brought a few new toys for him to play with.

Florida itself...well...let me just preface this with the fact that Mike and I knew it was going to be like this. We knew it. I had been watching the weather for weeks. Gorgeous, warm, sunny...I knew it had to change. Sure enough, Florida reached record lows while we were there. Granted, their record low of 33 was better than the 2 degrees we were having back home, but still...
In any event, it was a great visit, and we were determined to make the best of it. As you can see, it was a bit chilly the first morning we were there, but I plunked him in a chair and told him to buck up bucko! LOL :) I think he was just happy to be outside and not look at snow.


We got a few days that were warm enough for shorts- the picture on the left is priceless. He wasn't filling his pants- I'm not really sure what he was doing, but he definitely made me laugh.

The picture on the right is an outfit I got at his baby shower. It's almost like someone knew I'd need a shorts set in mid January.....



We did make it to the beach once, and it was breathtakingly beautiful...unfortunately, it was only 60 degrees!! He rode with his Dad and Uncle in one car, and I rode with Mike's sister and her 3 children in another car. Like a good mom, I had lathered Jacob up with sunscreen before strapping him into his car seat, and off we went. We followed Mike and Jacob's car, and I kept seeing Mike turn back to talk to Jacob, and look at him. Apparently, at some point while trying to fall asleep in the carseat, Jacob rubbed his eyes and I must have got some sunscreen on his hands. The poor little guy screamed all the way to the beach until he exhausted himself to sleep, and when I took him out of the car, his eye was bloodshot red. I promptly settled into the tent we brought, and fretted over the future of his cornea for the next 2 hours or so...He was cranky but we managed to get in some photos, and his eye was fine later that night.
















You can see his red eye in the above picture, poor little man!!!

All in all, it was a great experience. We learned that we can travel with Jacob, and hopefully it will make us more likely to continue to do so. I know the next trip we take may not be as smooth sailing, but I can hope!!!!

Eczema

So, Jacob has had these little dry spots on his skin for a few weeks now. I've been monitoring them, but not really worried about them. Well, last night after his bath I was checking out all the spots...and there was a round one on his thigh that looked like ringworm!! Eeeeks!! We are supposed to be leaving for Florida on Thursday, and there was no way we could go see Mike's sister with 2 6 week old babies if Jacob had a ringworm.

And so began all the research. Online for an hour, looking at pictures. Remembering that our oldest cat had a strange lesion about a month and a half ago that I attributed to him wrestling with the other kitty in the house...Now I was panicked. The cool collected side of me was still in charge, but inside I was a mess! I pondered the probability of a strictly indoor cat that was 7 years old randomly picking up ringworm somehow. Although the chances were slim, it was possible.

This morning I called the doctor's office. The nurse who answered asked a few questions, told me it sounded like eczema, and advised that I lotion him up well at every diaper change. I then told her I was supposed to be going to Florida. She said, okay, well, see if it improves with lotion, and call us back tomorrow. I then told her I had a cat who had a strange lesion last month. She started laughing, and said if I wanted to come in today, there was an appointment in half an hour.

As soon as we got into the room, I took off Jacobs pj's and looked at the spot. I looked at Mike. It's totally NOT ringworm, I said to him. It looked better than the night before, and the edges were irregular, and more ovalish than circular.

The doctor walked in. I looked at her and said- it's not ringworm. She laughed and said that whenever she looks in the appointment book and sees suspected ringworm, the whole office giggles. It was pretty amusing. She looked at Jacob's skin and said it was more than likely eczema. Winter time and wood stove heat can really dry a kid's skin out.

So, off to the store to buy Dove Sensitive soap (6 bucks a bottle!!) and some oatmeal lotion. The whole ordeal reminded me of when I was a vet tech and people would call about having a tick stuck under the dog's skin. It almost never ever happened, and as nurses, we knew it was highly unlikely, but we had to amuse the owner and let them come in for expert advice anyway.

Well, at least we are back to Florida!! I'm sure this won't be the last time I make what seems to be a silly trip to the doctor.....

Questions

I love being a mom. I do. It's the most rewarding, amazing experience I have yet to take part of in life. But there are times I miss just being me. It's so easy to see how a mom can get swept away from herself so quickly. Especially for those of us who have battled infertility. The years of treatment...you really lose a sense of self. You become a bit of a shell, waiting to be filled by the baby you want so badly.

Now he's here, and he is my world. My pride. My joy. My frustration. My helplessness. He is all that I am right now. I imagine at some point I'll be able to read again. I'll be able to ride again. It's been so long since I was just me. I've been Alicia trying to have a baby for so long, and now I am Alicia, Jacob's mom. Nothing makes me happier than finally being able to say it, but that is what I am right now. A mom.

I've been so sentimental about the past recently. I think bringing in the New Year made me think back to all my other new years...and how it'll have been 9 years since I graduated UMASS this year. Makes you wonder where all the years went. Makes you wish you had spent your time alone or as a couple more constructively.

"They" like to say hindsight is 20/20. It's so ridiculously true. But you can't get caught up in the things you either did or didn't do in the past. You must focus on your success, your accomplishments, your growths. We all need to stop and be thankful for what we do have these days.

I have a husband who adores me. I have a beautiful, smart baby boy. Now I need to find the part of me that I used to have, and let her back out into the world. My husband will appreciate it. My baby will be better for it. My soul will be fuller because of it.

Sparkly eyes...I command you to come out and play again!!!

*Me and Mike when I had not a care in the world...I know those days will never come back, and I don't want them to- I just feel a need to reclaim myself soon...

A Brand New Year

I am well intentioned. That much is true. However, once again I find myself slipping away in blogger world. I'll blame it on the holidays for now...we'll see what I come up with the next time it happens.

We've been traveling a lot recently. Mostly back and forth to Mike's parents in Vermont, which is just about a 3 hour ride. "The Mountain" as his parents house is referred to as, is usually a bustling site of activity. It's up on almost a mile long dirt road, and sits upon over 100 acres of wooded land. His parents moved there when Mike was just a baby, and raised 7 children, starting in a one bedroom home that they added onto themselves as the years went by. Much of Mikes childhood was spent working on the house with his older brother, twin brother and his Dad. Unfortunately, back in 2006, they had a chimney fire and the whole thing burned down. No-one was hurt, and they've since rebuilt a little log cabin with a basement, main level and a loft.

Most times when we visit, we can expect at least 10 people to be staying in the house. Last weekend there was over 15 guests. Since Jacob and I were both fighting back a cold, we opted to stay at Mike's sisters house and enjoy a quieter atmosphere. We both got to spend time with Melissa's daughters, who are so fantastic...and Jacob loved his cousins!!

Next week we'll be flying down to Florida to visit Mike's other sister who had twins on December 8th. It should be interesting and fun, although I don't imagine very relaxing!!! We love Jenny though, and cannot wait to meet her newest additions. Hopefully we'll be able to provide a little moral support and some much needed laughs. I can't even imagine what the first year with twins must be like!!

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On a different note, I need to get my butt in gear and get back into shape. I want to feel pretty again!! I got on the treadmill today and walked for 25 minutes, but then Jacob woke from his nap...or so I thought. I got off and washed my face, and the little booger had fallen back asleep. Of course, I could have jumped right back on, but the moment had passed. My darling husband has offered to "help". He thought perhaps we could do 10 MINUTES of push-ups a night! LOL. I almost choked. I told him for sure- I would do one push up and then lie on the floor for 9 1/2 minutes complaining. Ah well. He is going off to bed, and I am chasing after him for some much needed snuggle time. He'll stay up and watch a movie, and I get to fall asleep while he rubs my back!!! yippeee!!!! :)