Well. We've been busy here the past couple months. Jacob started pre-school, and it has been one disaster after the next. His first week was relatively uneventful, and then suddenly, he started hitting other children. I honestly thought it would be a quick little blip on the radar- he's never really been a hitter....but it just kept coming. I was talking with the teacher, the school psychologist, and the bus driver. He got an incident report on the bus because he slammed some kid into the window. He picked up a chair and threw it across his school room. We finally decided to change him to 3 days a week from 12:30 to 3 and see if we couldn't ease him into it a bit gentler.
The first 2 classes he was GREAT. The bus was still an issue. Today, we got a Good report, but a note about him pushing somebody's lunch box over on purpose, and he hit a child again on the bus. I can't help but to feel like things are just going to get worse from here. Everyone keeps saying, oh, he's just a boy, he'll grow out of it...But nobody else's kids are pushing/shoving and hitting at school.
He's always been what Mike and I have deemed "strong willed". He reacts strongly to situations he doesn't agree with, and has since the time he was born. In fact, the pediatrician that examined him in the hospital when he was 12 hours old commented "Boy, you guys have a strong willed little guy her" (thanks, universe). But this Jacob I hear about from school is quite a bit more than strong willed. I start to wonder if I've been down playing his behavior. I start to wonder if he has a serious problem. And then I start to wonder what I am doing wrong.
I go to an ugly place in my mind. One that was created when we were struggling to conceive Jacob. Over the three years, I often thought that the "universe" was trying to tell me I didn't deserve/need a child. That I couldn't get pregnant for a reason. That I'd be a bad mom. That something would be wrong with my child. And now, those thoughts creep back into my head. That this a punishment for going forward with something that was never meant to be. This is what I get for forcing nature's hand. I realize how dramatic and selfish it sounds. I'm not that important, I know. But it's how I feel sometimes. And it sucks.
I've been reading ALOT of books. The one that is really resonating with me now is called "The Explosive Child". Although Jacob doesn't quite fit the entire bill, it has some great coping mechanisms for me to use when he is unable to do so for himself. It reminds me that children WANT to do well, and will do so if they are able. It points out that he is probably lacking several emotional skills necessary to do as well as he's like to. Whether this is a product of him just being 4, or if it's something more ingrained remains to be seen. So I am trying to help him as best I can. The truth is, I am an explosive person myself, prone to tantrums and temper flares when cornered. I joke that a demon lives in my belly...when I get very angry, I can feel the heat spread from my stomach into my arms and legs and I tingle...and then I'm a goner, and so is whomever I am angry with. Mike is no picnic when he's angry either. So our kid kind of has the odds stacked against him.
The difference is that we are adults, and have learned to cope with it for the most part. Ironically, the person that helped me learn how to deal with my anger is Jacob. When he was born, I realized I needed to get a hold of myself. He taught me. I only hope I can teach him.
As a parent, you just want your child to be loved by everyone else as much as you love them. You want the whole world to realize how amazing and special they are. You never want another child to say something mean to them, or make them feel bad. So it sucks on 2 levels for me, because now MY child is one of the kids that is doing things that hurt others feelings as well.
Enough whining and crying for now. I'll be back in another 2 months to update.
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