Decisions

I've squandered away a lot of opportunities in my life by either deliberately or subconciously sabotaging them, or by just plain running away from the situation. Vet School by far is my biggest "accomplishment" (or lack thereof, more appropriately) in this department. To get into explaining how or why vet school didn't happen...well, that would mean starting a new blog, and probably quite a bit in co pays to a therapist. We'll leave it an overly simplified statement that goes something like this- "The idea of change and failure terrifies me into non action".

The reason I bring this up is because I have an opportunity knocking on my door lately. For all intensive purposes, I should be opening the door wide and welcoming her in. Instead, I drew the curtains. I peeked out at her surreptitiously a few times, and even used the intercom to display false bravado to her while she waited outside. "Just a few minutes" I told her politely. "So nice to have you at my door!"

The opportunity is not a female masseuse wanting to give me free massages and clean my house. Even I, with all my resistance to change, could probably mange to accept that one...It's a job offer in a good field, with good potential to open even more doors. Additionally, it's only 3 days a week, which is ideal for me right now. However, it's a very long commute, and would obviously mean that Jacob would need to enter some sort of day care.

He is almost 8 months old now, and every time I am sure I'm ready to rejoin the work force on some level, he goes and does something new, or totally adorable. The other day we were having a tickle fest, and his belly laughs shot straight through my heart. How does one leave that? No one else knows his favorite way to eat food, or how he likes his clothes or diaper to be changed (it's all about the countdowns).

I want a nanny, which is probably not financially feasible. Mike is fighting me on the issue, because he has decided Jacob needs more socialization. I agree to some extent, but was thinking of day care more along the lines of toddlerhood. Two, maybe three years old. He is upset that Jacob is going through a bit of a stranger danger phase, which I tried to explain to him is totally normal, but he doesn't seem to be hearing me...

In any event, I'm going to open the door tomorrow. Don't tell anyone, but I'll still have the safety chain latched when I do.